I got angry at a team mate a couple of days ago, a team mate who I highly admire who is guiding us into a challenging year. He then very reasonably suggested we discus the underlying causes of it, between the three of us working at the time.

One of his suggestions was 1-on-1 talks, and open space for team mates to speak openly without pressure from others. We both agreed that the whole concept of ‘feedback’ and yearly evaluations are useless. We also hate corporate speak even though corporate concepts (like feedback) keep coming up and we try to find more honest and straightforward ways of dealing with them. My point there was that ‘feedback’ is essentially criticism wrapped up in a cosy blanket and no matter how you wrap it, it stings and so I believe its better to be open and honest about what it is and be very careful how you approach it.

Now one of the issues is that we are all software engineers. Software engineers are almost by definition much better at dealing with systems rather than dealing with (or expressing) emotions. Indeed my outburst was a very similar problem of not knowing how to word my frustrations earlier to prevent a build up.

At some point my team mate mentioned ‘vulnerability’, or ‘being vulnerable’, it struck a chord with me, though I wasn’t sure how to articulate it at the time. This simple issue of not knowing, at the speed-of-speech, how to process my emotional thoughts is one of the issues. By the time I have had time to consider how I should think about an emotion the conversation is long past and the relevance has disappeared. Its the constant problem of knowing 30 minutes too late, exactly what to say, the perfect retort.

I love the idea of discussing vulnerability with teammates, not just colleagues, as it’s important for building trust. It is a fundamental importance, at least for me to be able to be open and honest with team mates. But to be open and honest they have to trust you. They have to open themselves up to the possibility of accepting your criticism. It hurts when someone criticises you (ask any coffee shop owner when they get a 2 star review). So the only way to prevent yourself from being hurt is to reject what they say.

But the only way to function better as a team is to work collectively on weaknesses and ramp up the strengths. You’re asking your colleagues to listen to your opinion, essentially open up their heart in however small a way to your words. Now hopefully your words, warped through your biases have been well thought out enough to benefit your team mate in the long run. You’ve spotted a genuine problem and you have a likely way to approach reducing it. But this level of thinking matters – some people can wrap all that up quickly and deliver it with words that don’t hurt, express the problem clearly and express better alternatives clearly. Most can’t.

But we can try to find ways to improve the cage in which we work so that the arrows we sling hurt less. Hmmm… the ugly words ‘circle of trust’ come into my head. See how you’re so often skirting corporate bullshit that tries to render good thoughtful ideas into slop. But something like building trust is a critical part. Slowly making yourself more vulnerable, whilst trusting that your team mates won’t abuse that vulnerability.

Willingness to say something that in hindsight is stupid, being able to say it was stupid and feel somehow more trusted is a tricky game. The words, then intention and the time invested matters.

This is why evaluations suck so badly – if you haven’t built up the trust over the time, the only thing putting two people in a room together will do is worsen that trust. Arm each of the people against giving any form of honest evaluation. The evaluation destroys what its trying to create. So this can not be done with one off meetings, I’d argue that its impossible to clear the air with your team mates. You can’t go to couples therapy and have a third party who’s an expert in relations listen to your problems.

You have to slowly, inch by inch, smile by smile. In the end we have this dance, between vulnerability and trust. Its on-going and is a gradual process that requires patience and effort. Its worth it though to keep teams and the companies made from the teams together for longer.